Child Behavior
Why
Did You Do That?
The Most Fruitless Question A Parent Can Ask.
By
Saralee Sky
www.BabyNut.com
Picture
this: You walk in to your family room. A moment
ago it was a peaceful scene, with your two
children playing quietly. Now all is chaos.
Your 1 year old is squalling, milk and cereal
dripping down his face. The dog is happily
lapping up the puddle of milk and cereal that
made it to the floor. Your 4 year old is standing
there, a guilty smile on her face, her milky
spoon still in her hand. And what do you do?
You look at your 4 year old and demand, “Why
did you DO that?” And what does she
say? “I don’t know.” Or
worse, “Because.”
Here
is the real answer: She probably doesn’t
know and you will never know. Maybe your 1
year old actually deserved it. Maybe your
4 year old wanted to see what the baby looked
like with milk on his face. Maybe the devil
told her to do it. Bottom line: it doesn’t
matter. Asking why is the most fruitless question
you will ever ask.
Frederick
Perls – father of Gestalt Therapy –
states in his book Gestalt Therapy Verbatim,
“I know you want to ask why…to
get rationalization or explanation. But the
why at best leads to clever explanation,…never
to an understanding.” He goes on to
say that every event has many causes. All
kinds of factors and experiences come together
to create the moment that is now and the person
that is your child at this moment in time.
Give
up on why. Trying to pinpoint the motive(s)
of your child’s behavior is a futile
exercise, and one guaranteed to cause you
grief. Look instead at the now and the how.
Now is all that truly exists. The past is
gone, the future yet to be. How describes
the structure of Now, and includes behavior
and everything else that is happening in the
moment.
Let’s
go back to my opening example. The Now you
encounter is your 1 year old with milk and
cereal and tears on his face, your dog lapping
up the mess and your 4 year old standing there
with her spoon in her hand. It is definitely
her cereal all over your 1 year old. A better
question to ask is, “What happened here?”
In
Gestalt Therapy theory, we always respond
to the most pressing unfinished situation
first. As I see it, the crying baby with the
milk and cereal all over him is the most pressing
need to be attended to. Pick him up, clean
him off and comfort him. All the while listen
to your 4 year old if indeed she is speaking
at all. Give her a towel to help you clean
up the mess on the floor, but do not yell
at her. Use this time to calm yourself –
and everyone else – down.
When you are finished cleaning up and your
1 year old is calmer, look directly at your
4 year old and ask her again to tell you how
the milk and cereal got all over the baby.
She may tell you a story about how the baby
was bugging her or crying or grabbing for
the cereal. Perhaps she will even tell you
she got mad and poured the cereal over the
baby’s head. Maybe not. You are not
looking for justification here, just a recapping
of what happened when you were out of the
room. If she is unable or unwilling to talk,
do not force the issue.
At
this point you can talk to her about using
words when she is angry or calling to you
for help if the baby is bugging her. You can
also tell her that pouring cereal over her
brother’s head is never an option. If
it is blatantly her fault, a 3-4 minute time-out
may be necessary. What is really of no real
importance is the why. Her actual behavior
is now the most important unfinished situation
to deal with, not why she did what she did.
She is testing out her world and trying out
new behaviors and you are there to help her
learn what the acceptable limits are in any
given situation.
Many
valuable minutes, hours, and sleepless nights
are wasted on trying to assign motives to
children’s (and adult’s) behavior.
“She’s jealous…she’s
angry…she’s mean…she’s
manipulative…she’s tired.”
Any or all may apply. The motive is the why.
The behavior is the how. It is not up to you
to discern the true motive and then pass judgment
upon that motive. Ignore the motive and focus
on the behavior. You have no right to tell
her what to feel. You do have the right to
correct her behavior. See the difference?
Why
should you do what I tell you to do?
Because…
:About
the Author:
Saralee Sky has 20+ years
of experience first working with children,
as a therapist for abused children, then as
the director of three nonprofit agencies serving
children. She is currently the co-owner with
her husband of Womb To Grow LLC
and www.BabyNut.com.
